Addiction to Michael Jackson's memories

by elen felix
(Philippines)

I knew Michael 2 months before he passed away. It was a tremendous big love that I was imprisoned by that affection. Then he left and my world grew smaller; my depression triggered me and I almost died of sadness like there was no life left to me. Sometimes my heart would beat so fast like i would have a heart attack though i don't have a heart illness. I always felt I was sick. I spent my almost whole day communicating with grieving fans around the world. My days were filled with nothing but senseless desire of having him back around; i couldn't accept that it happened to him. Crying was all I could do. I wanted to die. I actually prepared myself to die since enthusiasm to live left me though i have 5 kids to guide through.

I am Christian for 13 years. Through all those months of grieving, I knew I had to pray to God to guide me because I knew it wasn't alright to act that way. I always asked for His forgiveness because I couldn't carry myself anymore and I needed Him badly.

One day my daughter showed me an email from her church about a video about a girl named Angelica Zambrano's story telling Michael as one of those stars who were in hell. Well, what could i do but to cry and felt horrible and unbelieving. I couldn't sleep all night that I wanted to scream and search for that girl and ask her how she lied! I hated her for while.

But then, days passed by when I felt something inside of me changing about the level of enthusiasm in idolizing Michael. It was like that blazing admiration was slowly decreasing, that God was telling me something thru that video. I know I didn't totally believe it, but something told me that there's something that I must do along with the feeling of intense turn around from that affection. i still admired him,and I didn't want to leave him. I thought of closing my FB account with Mj fans. I was hesitant and so aglow about doing it. Finally, i had the wisdom from God to do it, but i was crying. Days told me to open it again to see how my world was doing.

Since the day I closed my account, I noticed myself desiring of spiritual activities in my church where I was new in. There had that intense enthusiasm in me to attend the church activities whatever they were. I was so enthusiastic in sharing the video that i watched sharing with them the unholiness of Michael's life. I kept all my collections but i didn't want to throw them away. I instantly felt the peace that I didn't have when I was still in those worlds. In our bible studies, I would share to others what God had done to me--rescued me from the tiring and useless life to experience His glory and infinite and forgiving, understanding love.