How do I recover from sin.
I'm a 21 year old college student and I am still not sure what I want to do with my life. Everyday I pray that God will guide me, but I'm afraid that I'm wasting my life away not able to make a decision. Not only that, but I've also had some financial trouble that is hurting me and I'm afraid I'm going to end up in debt. Recently something horrible has happened. For my birthday, someone gave me a cigar. I've never been a smoker, but something about it, I suppose curiosity, enticed me. I was in a position where I wanted to do it, but I didn't want to do it. (Romans 7:19).
Somehow I got the idea in my head (I don't know if God told me or I told myself) that if I smoked it, God would punish me and I would receive all kinds of punishments. My punishments would be: I would make the wrong career decision. I would lose years of my life paying off debts, and I would lose all kinds of rewards in heaven.
For example, if there were cigars in heaven, (and there would be no addictions or cancer so it would be ok), I would never get to do it for all eternity because that would be part of my punishment. I agonized over this. I prayed for the strength not to smoke, but long story short, when he gave me the cigar, I smoked it. I did however, only smoke 1/4 of it and made a conceeded effort not to inhale.
I'm not the kind of person who thinks that tobacco is the devil, and I don't believe that it's necessarily evil, but I do believe that it has been abused by a lot of people and that it is more sinful then
it used to be because it has been so demonized by society and the government. Plus I'm not so sure that my health insurance company would say. I've decidend to avoid it because so many have destroyed themselves with it.
But now, I feel so incredibly guilty. I feel more guilty than ever before. I've struggled with depression and OCD. About 6 months ago I quit taking my medicine. I may be feeling so guilty because my depression/OCD is coming back. I may feel guilty because of all the anti-smoking ads I've seen all my life. But I believe I feel so guilty because I was so aware that what I was doing was wrong and I was so conscious of it and had every opportunity to avoid it but still made the wrong choice.
I'm deeply afraid of the punishments that await me. I'm afraid that I'll end up spending years working off debt that I wouldn't have to. I'm afraid that I'll lose eternal rewards in heaven that I can never get back. I need desperately to work out the problems in my life, but I can't because I'm so hurt. I've spent the last month just wallowing in emotional anguish over what I've done. I'm scared that God has pronounced all kinds of punishments on me, but maybe it is possible it's just my OCD acting up again. Sometimes I think I shouldn't worry so much over something so trivial, but then again there were people in the Bible punished severely for seemingly trivial sins. Everyday I pray for mercy and comfort but I'm so hurt by what I've done that I can't move on and I need to so desperately.
What should I do? Is God punishing me or am I just torturing myself / exaggerating it with my OCD? Please Help