Lack of Family Support

by Francis
(North West Britain)

My wife has been sick for five years and I, her husband, has been her fulltime carer all along, living on state aid. Her parents have just come into a lot of money from the sale of their house and they wanted to pay for our gas bills in winter. That's all!

In the meantime, they look down on my being out of work and think their daughter is looking for attention. This makes me very angry and have emailed them many times on how little we seem to have in common; more out of a sense of pleading than revenge I would say.

I don't know if I am being selfish and proud. I just think of Christ's command that we should "visit" the sick and be compassionate; when someone doesn't do this especially one's own mother and father who seem to live on an entirely different planet, I find it shocking and leaves me bewildered.

It would be nice if you can tell me how I am not being a Christian; because I want to pray and follow God. I even want to be merciful and totally understand her parent's right to their lives and to a happy retirement.

But. . . stop!!! I need to find God in this and in the many times I feel they don't seem to care. Maybe I just feel desperate!

Thank you for your article (though be careful of the sin of vanity!!!) Francis

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Lack of Family Support

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Jan 05, 2010

Lack of family support
by: viera

It seems to me that you are very hurt and you feel that Life is unfair to you. These feelings come to us when we are in pain. We do not understand why everything is as it is and we would like to turn back time...
It takes time to see greater picture and with it your understanding will grow too. Your wife's illness is not a punishment, it is just circumstance or experience. As every coin has its two sides so does every experience. Make the best out of it, be a good observer, try to find out what is in it for you. You may will discover your hidden qualities, perhaps this is how is God preparing you for your own future. Did you said it has been five years now? Not every man would take on such a big commitment, some would simply leave...it tells me that you are a man of good character. Don't be angry at your circumstance, give in and as you do, everything will change. Keep emotional journal, express all your thoughts and feelings in it, including anger. Don't blame others, don't blame Life! Just accept, don't ask questions "Why?" Answers will come when you ready. Perhaps you struggle finacially, put pride into your pocket and ask for help...churches or communities are very compassionate. They can help with food, finances, even give you some free time to have a break! Community health departments can provide carer just to give you time out that you need so much to regenerate. Email your wife's parents, if it works better for you. Ask for help. Be honest with God, don't be afraid to tell how you feel, He knows your heart anyway...Story of Job in OT is good to read, particularly advice of friends...and mostly words of the Lord. Take care of yourself too

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Jan 05, 2010
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Submitted by: viera

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It seems to me that you are very hurt and you feel that Life is unfair to you. These feelings come to us when we are in pain. We do not understand why everything is as it is and we would like to turn back time... It takes time to see greater picture and with it your understanding will grow too. Your wife's illness is not a punishment, it is just circumstance or experience. As every coin has its two sides so does every experience. Make the best out of it, be a good observer, try to find out what is in it for you. You may will discover your hidden qualities, perhaps this is how is God preparing you for your own future. Did you said it has been five years now? Not every man would take on such a big commitment, some would simply leave...it tells me that you are a man of good character. Don't be angry at your circumstance, give in and as you do, everything will change. Keep emotional journal, express all your thoughts and feelings in it, including anger. Don't blame others, don't blame Life! Just accept, don't ask questions "Why?" Answers will come when you ready. Perhaps you struggle finacially, put pride into your pocket and ask for help...churches or communities are very compassionate. They can help with food, finances, even give you some free time to have a break! Community health departments can provide carer just to give you time out that you need so much to regenerate. Email your wife's parents, if it works better for you. Ask for help. Be honest with God, don't be afraid to tell how you feel, He knows your heart anyway...Story of Job in OT is good to read, particularly advice of friends...and mostly words of the Lord. Take care of yourself too

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Jul 23, 2008

Struggles with family
by: Dian from NC

Hello, I am a nurse and I also teach CNA's in the college and in our community and I see this a lot in my work. I really feel for you in your situation. I don't know what your relationship was before all this happened, but maybe her parents feel that they really don't know just what to do and they are very frustrated. A mother's love is one that just is something different and maybe her mother feels that she doesn't know just what to do. Maybe if you could let them in to help some with your wife and maybe assume some of the care. I know when I have worked with very sick individuals and the families seem to be breathing down my neck about their loved one, I have simply let them assist me with their care and this helps. It is good for them to know that they have some control over what is happening. If they feel that they are helping and carring for their loved one, they soon drop their annimosities and really become quite in tune with the situation and it makes a real difference all the way around. Right now they see their daughter very ill and they are lashing out because of their anger that they are loosing their daughter. I really don't think it is directed at you. they feel that if they can make you suffer it some how takes the grief off of them. I hope this helps.

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Jul 23, 2008
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Submitted by: Dian from NC

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Hello, I am a nurse and I also teach CNA's in the college and in our community and I see this a lot in my work. I really feel for you in your situation. I don't know what your relationship was before all this happened, but maybe her parents feel that they really don't know just what to do and they are very frustrated. A mother's love is one that just is something different and maybe her mother feels that she doesn't know just what to do. Maybe if you could let them in to help some with your wife and maybe assume some of the care. I know when I have worked with very sick individuals and the families seem to be breathing down my neck about their loved one, I have simply let them assist me with their care and this helps. It is good for them to know that they have some control over what is happening. If they feel that they are helping and carring for their loved one, they soon drop their annimosities and really become quite in tune with the situation and it makes a real difference all the way around. Right now they see their daughter very ill and they are lashing out because of their anger that they are loosing their daughter. I really don't think it is directed at you. they feel that if they can make you suffer it some how takes the grief off of them. I hope this helps.

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