Unworthy and Unlovable - Ameerah's Christian Testimony
by Ameerah Lewis
(Cincinnati, OH)
Founder of The Hem Bible Studies
I guess to say that I have had a very interesting life would be an understatement...
I feel like I could write a book about how much God has done in my life, so you will have to excuse how looooong this testimony is (-:
I was actually raised Muslim. My grandfather is still a Muslim minister to this day, but I believe God is answering my prayers and working on my mother's heart so that she too can come into the Light.
Though both of my parents were confessing Muslims, my father struggled with a drug addiction through most of my childhood. I remember seeing him high and wondering why my daddy was so happy and my mommy was so mad about it.
Then I found a needle and took it to my mom. She told me to take it to my dad and ask him what it was. (I can not imagine what was going through her mind!She is an amazing woman and an excellent mother - she never did drugs or even drank so to be in this situation...)
When I was about four or so, my mother and I moved to Las Vegas for a few years for a break. While we were there, I was sexually abused for about a year by an older family member. I was warned that if I told my mother, she would not be able to love me anymore.
It would be years before I realized how much that little statement was going to affect the way that I looked at myself - UN-lovable and UN-worthy.
By about 14 I was experimenting with alcohol and marijuana. I just felt such an emptiness inside of myself. When I was high or drunk, I did not have any memories or pain. Like it does for many people, being intoxicated became my substitute for real peace.
At fifteen I started experimenting with sex. I was not what people would consider to be promiscuous, but, in my heart, I knew what I was doing was wrong. But, I already felt so damaged and unlovable.
I had internalized what I was told by my abusive family member, and I never really felt good enough.
I tried everything.
I even excelled academically thinking that it would make me lovable. I thought that if I had a good grade point average, was class vice president and did tons of community service, it would somehow make me worthy.
Bottom line - I had no peace.
I searched everywhere I could think of to find some, but I found nothing but emptiness.
In high school I started having symptoms of depression, and was given sleeping pills.
I was on my way to becomming one of this world's many statistics...
Young black girl
Drug addict father
Divorced parents
Sexually abused
Experimenting with drugs and sex...
Hallelujah!!!
In the midst of all of the chaos of my childhood, my grandmother was a Christian. My mother would always let me go to church with her so that we could spend time together. But, whenever the choir would sing, something would happen inside of me. I could not understand it, but I would feel peace and joy. Sometimes, I would even start to cry.
As I got older, I stopped going to church with Granny, but that seed that God had planted inside of me was still there.
When I went off to college there was a gospel choir, and even though I was not a Christian, I decided to join. Being in the midst of praise and worship was one of the few memories that I had of true peace. I did not know it was because God inhabits the praises of His people and I had experienced the presence of God's Spirit. I just knew that it felt right.
Fast forwards several years, and I have finally found true peace and joy in the Lord.
Just a few of the things God has done:
*It has not been an easy journey, but I was able to trade my feelings of unworthiness for Jesus' worthiness.
*Though I was told that the abuse I experienced made me unlovable, I found out that a perfect God loved me just the way I was. In fact, he loved me enough to come to earth and die in my place, just to be reunited with me.
*The last time I saw my father, I asked him if I could pray with him. He agreed, and I prayed for him in Jesus name. I have heard that God has been working to turn his life around.
*Today, I am happily married to a great man of God. And God has blessed me to be able to start this web-ministry that blesses thousands of Christians each month.
I am the perfect example that God can use the foolish things of this world to confound the wise. And, I don't mind being considered one of my Father's foolish things...
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